“Sue” came to therapy because she had just left her alcoholic and abusive spouse, and was traumatized by years of living with the chaos. She felt exhausted, lost and confused, and was trying to sort out her life and start over again.
     When we explored family-of-origin experiences, it turned out that her father was an alcoholic and had been abusive to her mother. Throughout the course of therapy, Sue came to understand that her role model for men growing up had been her father. While he was anything but perfect, his type of man was what she knew and felt comfortable with.
    When she met the man who would later become her husband, she felt “at home” with him. While his drinking and abuse eventually became intolerable, she was initially attracted to what she “knew best.”

These aren’t dumb women

     The choosing of mates has nothing to do with intellect. If we haven’t examined family-of-origin experiences, and the beliefs and value systems we were taught early on, and come to realize how they have shaped current beliefs and behaviors, we’re bound to go for what’s most familiar.
    The sad fact is that many of us are familiar with the types of people and behaviors that make us the most miserable and which leave us feeling unfulfilled. But we keep choosing them out of habit. It’s what we learn to expect in life that gets us into trouble. Sue had the experience of having an alcoholic father who treated her mother badly. He was a role model for how men behaved when she was growing up, so she tended to believe that all men behaved like her father.  Sue got exactly what she expected when she met – and later married – her husband.

10 steps to ending toxic relationships

    Believe it or not, you can attract the fabulous partner you deserve, who will love you in a healthy way. Here’s how :

-Make a commitment to yourself
-Do some family-of-origin work
-Re-examine beliefs and value systems
-Change your “self-talk”
-Figure out who you are and what
your needs are
-Become the person you want to attract
-Create a strong image of your
ideal partner
-Study people who meet the criteria
of your ideal partner
-Become friends with people who meet your criteria
-Date until you find your ideal partner BB

    Esther Kane, MSW, is the author of “Dump That Chump: A Ten-Step Plan for Ending Bad Relationships and Attracting the Fabulous Partner You Deserve” (dumpthatchump.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine at estherkane.com.